11.9 Making sense of even worse English.

Dear Ladie Forbsworth.

            I am not kwowing how to tell this to you. I don’t know how to tell you this. When I seed you on the stage, you has liked me very much. When I saw you on the stage I liked you very much. Even before you put off your cloths, I knowed completely and totally. Even before you took your clothes off, I knew completely and totally. You are a very petty laddie! You are a very pretty lady! The beautifulist in all the earth. The most beautiful on earth.

            I am loving you most very much indeed. I love you very much indeed. I has loved you since the beginning minute that I saw you, I have loved you since the first minute that I saw you…. and I will have to be loving you until the day that I will killed. …and I must love you until the day that I die. Without you I is nobody. I is halve a man. I is not completed. I hope me will love you, as much as you loves me. Without you I am no one. I’m half a man. I am not complete. I hope you will love me as much as I love you.

            I am understanding that I don’t can offer for you many. I understand / realise that I can’t offer you much. But that witch I has, is all hers. But that which I have / what I have is all yours. You can’ll travel with me everywear for free, is it not? You will be able to travel with me everywhere for free, won’t you? You is a laddie, yes I no it. You are a lady, I know. You borned in the family Royal. You were born into the royal family. And I am but a ticket inspector! You thought this was wrong didn’t you! It’s not; it merely sounds like poetic English. But this willn’t be importing. But this won’t be important. In the future I will shall be one day a driver of a large underground train. In the future I will / shall one day be the driver of a long underground train. You will can go with me in the train. You can come with me on the train. Or a double deckle bus of my own. Or a double-decker (the red bus with two floors) of my own.  And we shell have three childrens, whose will voyage for free with we, in the big bus. And we shall have three children, who will travel with us free in the big bus.

            Tonight afterwards the show, to you I come. I will come and see you tonight after the show. I must to see to you. I must see you. Too, I am carry four you a red rose, with all my heart. Also, I am bring a red rose for you, with all my heart. You will be able to know me because I where the cloth of a London Transplant Ticket Inspector. You will be able to recognise me because I will be wearing a London Transport Ticket Inspector’s uniform.

            To you my bonbon!

            Ticket Inspector.

Abysmal. See me.